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January 2016

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Whisper a dangerous secret to someone you care about. Now they have the power to destroy you, but they won't. This is what love is.

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obliviousally: (spirit writing)
You ever have that friend who is fine to hang out with now and then, for short periods of time, but you really don't want a really intensive friendship with them? Like, they're easy to get along with for the most part, and they're funny, and you have similar interests. But at the same time, they have a lot of personality traits you simple do not want to be around for any extended length of time? Except, they're not traits that are really glaring or overtly offensive, they're not racist or cruel, but they're just...kind of annoying after awhile?

It seems like they always want your attention - or someone's attention, anyone's attention - and you just don't have the energy to juggle their constant need to be around people or desire for entertainment in the form of friends. You don't hate them, but you can't keep up with their level of energy or want to do stuff - even if it's low key things like hanging out and watching television. You just want to hang out at home, in your own space, without feeling guilty or obligated to be social with someone.

But you make the effort to do social things with them and, in turn, invite them to social things you do. There's interest, at first, until they pout because they're no longer the center of attention. Card and board games become awkward and you and your other friends wonder who could have so little fun playing games. You make the effort to invite them back, change up the choices for things to do, but they simply become more and more disinterested and bored by it. So you stop inviting them because they've made it clear they're not going to enjoy themselves.

They can be kind of thoughtless, too. Telling you to quit whining when you lament feeling out of sorts or that you have the crazy thought you're being excluded from others (friends or otherwise). They sometimes rub things in your face when you grump about your own stress. "Well, I have a job and a social life!" "I came out of winter the thinnest!" You don't want to say anything because your complaints sound petty, but now you're upset about biting your tongue and not telling a friend that their words can sting.

So you minimize your contact with them. You're not mean about it and you're not rude. You say 'hello' when you see them outside, you talk to them when your paths cross, but you don't go out of your way to do stuff with them. Maybe it's not the best course of action, but they're not your only friend and you have other things going on in your life.

Then you get the inquiry.

"Why do you hate us? You've made it painfully obvious since we've gotten here that we're unwelcomed, and I'd like to know why. I've just gotten the feeling that both of you are just looking for reasons to be rude."

You wonder where these assumptions came from. You wonder how someone could assume you hate them when you've been nothing but pleasant to them. You wonder where the unwelcoming feeling could come from when you invited them to places initially all the time - Thanksgiving, trips up to Cleveland, game night, etcera. When they stopped being interested or you simply wanted to do something alone or with your partner, you didn't invite them because, well, you're not obligated to take your friends everywhere you go.

You wonder how you've been rude. And when. Especially when you received rudeness and the dirtiest look ever when you ran into them just recently at a bar.

You wonder what the differences are between the world you're living in and theirs and if their definitions of things are altered.

And you don't hate them, you just don't know how to tell them that you don't like hanging out with them all the time without them thinking you hate them. And you're not sure how to approach the issue without sounding like a complete bitch, because you're not trying to be a bitch, but you're not going to go out of your way to make others happy while sacrificing your own happiness in the process.
obliviousally: (Default)
Today was unbelieveably frustrating. It felt like literally one thing after another was purposely fucking up when it came to getting anything done.

The plan was: Bookstore > Financial Aid > Catch Bus to Target Plaza > Errands > Grab Bus Back > Work at 3PM

This didn't happen. At all.

I had to go up to the bookstore to fill out my tax forms (a ten minute ordeal - tops) around noon, so I planned on catching the bus at 12:03PM and I'd probably get to the bookstore around 12:20PM or so, after catching the on-campus bus (I also have to wait about 8-10 minutes from the time listed on the schedule, because that's when it leaves Indian Valley, not when it stops by my house). Well, that was a cute idea, but the bus that was supposed to be there didn't get there until 12:30PM. Fabulous. Then. I had to wait at least eight minutes for a Campus Loop to come around and, by the time I got up to the student center, it was almost 1PM and my manager had already left to take his lunch (which is fine, of course). He had waited about ten minutes after 12:30PM for me, which I appreciated, but I just left him a note that I'd come in at the beginning of the week on my day off.

So then we had twenty minutes or so to waste until the bus out to Target would be at C-Midway. We hung around the student center for about ten minutes, then went to catch the bust up to front campus. We ended up taking one of the Loop Rd. buses (which are stupid as fucking shit I hate them so goddamn much) and it took way longer than the Campus Loop buses take to get to front campus and, as you can imagine, our bus had already been there and gone.

At that point, we said fuck it to saving money and avoiding driving and decided to go home and take the car. We were trying to avoid having to put gas in, since we were on empty, and save money by taking the buses. But, apparently, the universe did not want us to do that.

While sitting on the bus back home, I realized that I was supposed to work at the Photo Studio at NOON. At some point during the last two weeks when a co-worked asked me to switch shifts, my brain morphed the shift into 3-6 from 12-3. So I managed to totally bail on my shift, lose out on three hours of work (which would have been two more than I normally get), and probably make myself look like a major flake.

After getting home and getting gas, the whole day tipped into the absurd when we took the back way down Franklin Ave. and...got held up by a train.

Then, cue frustrations about getting the animals litter and food. Finnick has to have a non-grain food because otherwise he breaks out in scabs and stuff and I had bought him a small bag of Taste of the Wild and he was doing great on it - almost all his scabs cleared up (he still has access to the regular food, because I don't put it up, but he doesn't eat it often because he lets us know when he'd like fed), but in the last week, he ran out, so his scabs were already popping back up. Which meant I had to buy him some new food but, of course, anything non-grain is expensive. I got a medium bag of Before Grain, since it was on clearance at the pet store, but it was still $20 despite this. Hopefully, though, it'll last him awhile.

After errands, I'm left with $125. I can choose to:
-- pay on rent, which i'm a month and a half behind on (this month + some of march)
-- pay my electric - $88 - which i have to pay because i'm on pipp and if i don't pay, they'll shut my service off
-- pay my water, which i haven't recieved a shut off notice for yet, but i'm sure i will soon

I probably wouldn't be half as frustrated if I could get some commissions to help offset this, at least. But even when I drop my prices down to $5 for sketches, I get nothing. And I'm sitting behind my computer going ????? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT and it's so frustrating. I have no idea what else to offer that's in my ability that people will buy. Maybe I'll make a graphic to post what I'm offering or something, so there's something more visual, I don't know.

The IRS STILL hasn't sent out Tony's tax refund. We don't think it's going to get here until May, which is so goddamn frustrating I could cry (and I have, to be honest). That grand would be so helpful, even if just to catch up on rent and I can deal with everything else. Just something to get us over this hump.

The money situation will likely be better next month, because I'll have the remainder of the semester paychecks, plus bookstore money, plus more hours at the library after the semester ends. But that doesn't change the frustration and helplessness I'm feeling now, unfortunately.
obliviousally: (spirit writing)
So.

I turned 30 yesterday.

It's uncomfortable I wasn't comfortable at 27, either. I remember having a really hard time when I turned 27 and I couldn't place why. I still can't place why. I can't place why I'm uncomfortable turning 30, either. Is it because it took so long to get me where I am now? Because everything always says you should do college at 18 and you should have a career and a house and a life at 25 and when you hit 30 you should feel fulfilled and happy and successful?

I mean, I obviously know this is bullshit, but there's something that just feels weird about it.

Is it because my mentality is stuck somewhere between a giggling fangirl and an adult that doesn't have time for bullshit? Is it because I tout the concept of 'you're only as old as you feel' and I don't feel old AT ALL but the number betray that and sometimes I feel really awkward trying to make friends with people at school because they're a decade younger than me. I know that's ridiculous, since I have friends of all ages already and everyone matures differently and all that shit.

And 30 isn't old. 30 is, maybe one third of your life. That's not much at all.

Like I said, it's hard to put into words. It's just a subtle discomfort on some weird existential level. I felt it at 19. I felt it at 27. I feel it now at 30. It'll pass and I'll probably go back to forgetting my age and telling people I'm 'twenty-something' when they ask anyhow.



But enough about my weird existential crisis.

Yesterday was nice! We didn't do anything special or anything, but Tony and I went to the movies with some local furries and it was pretty great! We went to see Jurassic Park 3D, which still looks amazing twenty years later. We had a lot of fun chatting and we're hoping to do movie nights more often. Hell, I'll go see bad movies for cheap if we can all laugh about them afterwards.

But it's nice to be meeting new people and making new friends. Especially for Tony. He was really proud of himself yesterday because he handled his anxiety so well and, like he mentioned later, it's nice to be around people who don't look at you weird when you tell them you have social anxiety or agoraphobia or are transgender or whatever.

Then, I found Kahlua custard at Acme and yes.

Also, Bob bought me a Monoprice tablet after - out of nowhere - asking what I'd like of my Amazon wishlist (which was a clusterfuck at the time). He mentioned having a Bamboo if I would like a new tablet, but it was the same size as my decade old Graphire. So I suggested the Monoprice tablet because it's inexpensive and, well, there you go. It's was supposed to be here today, but unless it's coming by something other than USPS, it'll probably be here tomorrow, as there was no package on the porch. But I'm looking forward to it! It's 6x10, which is about double the size of my Graphire and has shortcuts on the tablet and everything.



Unrelated to my birthday and sundry, I'll be back at the Bookstore at the end of the month. Hopefully I can transition my hours smoothly, since I'll be done at VCD after finals week, I think, and then I'll just have to figure out my summer library hours.
obliviousally: (loev crow)
Instagram annoyances, because I'm feeling catty this morning.

  • People who tag photos with #instagay, #gayboi, #kentgay, etc. No one care that you're gay and I'm pretty sure intagram is a terrible way to try and pick up dudes. You also don't need to tag these things on EVERY. PHOTO. IN. YOUR. GALLERY. It's bad enough on your selfies.

  • People whose galleries are ONLY of self portraits. Do you have anything else going on in your life? Or does the world revolve around you?

  • Gratitious tags. If you've already stated your little sister won first place in a competition, you don't need to tag it #firstplace ir #littlesis. Also, #girl, #boy, #hot, #swag, #shirt, #love, #cute, etc. are all equally redundant. Long tags are dumb, too. This isn't tumblr.

  • Bar 145, you're not #noisyneighbors if you're in a metro area where few people actually have their residence, nor are you #noisyneighbors when you're a bar that's open after other businesses have closed.

  • People who have PARAGRAPHS of tags. You're not going to get your photos noticed any quicker like that.

  • Duckface. From anyone. I hate you.


And, sure, my tags might look stupid on first glance before knowing I use them to tag on the sites my Instagram is linked to and, sure, a lot of other people's tags might be for that same purpose. But still, it's unlikely in my book. I'm also sure people on the #kenstate tag sit back and bitch when I spam my book covers, but I don't really care. Just like those people I'm bitching about don't really care. Likewise with my #instagram tag, which tags my posts as such on tumblr so people can ts them. Personal annoyances~



Okay, in things that aren't bitching, which really isn't a great way to kick of an entry, but I swear I'm not all cranky and moody, haha.

Been playing catchup with classwork. Out English teacher gace us all a week to catch up with what's been going on there (which I flaked on all week - go figure - I'm going to have fun cramming three papers into one evening tomorrow). I think I'm caught up on my Media work, except for this week's stuff, but we always do that on the weekend when it's due anyhow.

I reformatted Tony's old laptop to use for myself temporarily. Either my power cord or my battery is on the fritz. Well, actually, I know my battery is going, but recently when I've unplugged and taken my laptop somewhere, plugged it back in, it doesn't want to charge. It'll run on what power is left in the battery, then shut down and turn off. I can try removing the battery and running off just the power cord, but it won't do that. I have to do a song and dance that has absolutely no rhyme or reason to it before the computer will suddenly decide to power back on.

So I need to figure out what that's about.

After I'm done with Tony's old comp, it's probably just going to be used as a place to store movies/videos and stuff.



On Wednesday, we went to see Howie Day at Musica in Akron. Tony wanted to go, so he had picked up tickets a bit back when they went on sale. It was quite nice! He played a lot of songs we know and Tony's pretty much convinced he played Bunnies for him after he shouted it out amongst the sea of voices yelling for Africa.

I only got one good photo, sadly.



Afterwards, we went to Mr. Zub's (which is amazing if you've never been there - all their sandwhiches are based on characters from movies). We try to have something different each time we go (though I often fall back on The Ren McCormack - chicken shawarma) and my post-errand and concert fatigue was craving something ridiculous, so I tried The Duke (roast beef with onion rings, jalapenos, bacon, cheddar cheese, and bbq sauce). I though it was going to be wayy too much of everything, but all the portions within the sandwhich were perfect. The jalapenos were insanely fresh, the BBQ sauce wasn't too sweet, the roast beef was tender and tasty.

Tony got an Ernie McCracken (pastrami, salami, swiss - bit provolone in place of swiss and on a wrap instead of a bagel) and we split it (he got half of my sandwich) and I said eating it was like a religious experience. Their pastrami is so freaking good.

Then we went home and promptly crashed for ten hours. It was a good day.



Tony's stupid Garrus love pillow came today and it's horrible and awful and ew how could anyone like that at all gross.



I'm fully expecting it to be lovingly laid on my side of the bed when I get home from work.

>:|

I'm waiting on my white Hujoo Freya that my mom's getting me as an early birthday gift!



Now I'm going to actually have to learn how to do faceups properly (I practiced a little on Desma - the grey Freya I have), because I have a long way to go. But I have all the supplies I need now, so it's just a matter of teaching myself and practicing a whole lot. I also got a pair of Hujoo high heel feet because I want Poe to be able to wear boots and cute shoes. They're the normal flesh color, but it won't be an issue since she'll have stockings or shoes on anyhow.

The white one is going to be Poe and she's going to be just as difficult to paint at Desma is. Because Desma is actually supposed to be black, so I'll have to tweak her design a little so I don't have to completely re-color the Freya body, and she's also supposed to look malnourished and such. Good times. And Poe, well, it's obvious to see the issues with Poe, but I think I'll just have to take her markings on layer at a time and teach my hand not to shake so damn much.

I also have a doll blog for all my ramblings, so I don't spam them on my main tumblr or here: http://ivegotabrandnewkey.tumblr.com/ I'll probably post nice stuff here, when it happens, though. Like it I ever succeed in a faceup...



Now, here's some photo spam in two parts:


[ more at my flickr ]






So the drama tale of Creeper Cat is continuing. A few weeks ago, some folks from the Kent Area Furs list did a little meetup downtown for fursuiting and stuff. I wasn't able to go, but Squeeji went and returned with the verification that Creeper Cat has not changed at all. While there, apparently he:

  • Jumped on her while she was in fursuit. She responded by elbowing him in the stomach.

  • Talked about porn slash fiction from children's shows such as Bear in the Big Blue House and the like.

  • Yowled loudly at people on the streets.


We're having a small art jam/social meetup tonight at Tree City. He's showing up. We've been, on Facebook, trying to press the issue that there's going to be no stupid murry purry bullshit without actually naming him as the issue. I posted a comment that all but calls ( Also, Tree City is a pretty low-key, quiet sort of establishment. Which means no yowling like cats, talking about things you shouldn't be discussing in polite conversation (incest, fetishes, slash fiction, the like...), and no jumping/pouncing/glomping/touching people without their permission. I feel like these things shouldn't have to be stated, but they do. So don't do this crap and act like a normal person.) him out by name, but I know we're STILL going to have issues and after today, NOPE. Not putting up with it at all and he will not be welcome at any meetup things we put together.



Okay, aside from that and to wrap things up, one more thing!

I didn't complete LetterMo, but that's okay. I sent out replies and I still have some to send. I'll probably keep sending out letters to people as I work through my address list and when I have a little time to spare to write letters. I got some lovely letters and it's really such a fun thing to do anyhow~




I had a lot of fun making cute envelopes and decorating them, as well as putting little photos into each of the letters and stuff~
obliviousally: (Default)
As someone who did not have the influx of social media that teenagers and college students these days do (at least, when I was in my late teens/early twenties - which makes me sound so goddamn old), I have a lot of trouble knowing the etiquette for friending people on places like Facebook. Oh, sure, I'll friend on tumblr without issue (if I like someone's blog) and, sometimes, Instagram. But there's something about just randomly friending people on Facebook that I just don't get. Maybe it's because I'm a bit picky with who's on my newsfeed. Maybe it's because I don't want people to think I've internet stalked them before asking about Facebook.

Spoiler: I have and I do. Extensively.

But I feel like meeting someone you get long with/have things in common with and almost immediately friending them on a social networking site almost...reeks of desperation. Moreso than finding someone local on Facebook and friending them because you think they might be cool or something.

Anyhow, this stems from a girl at work complimenting me on my Supernatural shirt I wore today and then commenting that she saw my Crowley shirt on Monday, but didn't get the chance to say anything. We joked about tumblr a little, but work was pretty busy otherwise and didn't lend much to conversation.

But I still don't know if it's 'okay' to just friend people for shits and giggles. I held off on friending some people from the library because I just was hgdlfkhf about if it was rude or weird or whatever. I've seen people in VCD who I've wanted to talk to/exchange Facebook or tumblr stuff with, but still end up going ldkhldkgh and, instead, trying to catch their name so I can be a weird stalker.

UGH. I don't know if this even makes sense. I was like this back on Myspace, too, for the most part. I held off on friending some folks because I didn't feel I knew them well enough to do so. Instead, I'd stalk their pages.



But other than me being a weird weirdo...

Semester's over for me. Got an A in my computer class. Grades haven't been completed for my writing class yet. I'm thinking it'll be decent, though.

I've been working non-stop since last Friday. Every. Single. Day. Until this Friday, at least. Roughly eight hour days, too. But VCD is done after Thursday and the library needs to see if there's any leftover hours/money for me, since my work study is basically used up right now. Worst case scenario, I'm only working at the bookstore. Which is no big deal. Otherwise, I'll probably get some hours at the library and hours at the bookstore and I'll want do die, but sweet, sweet monies.

I almost didn't make it to work today. Something happened to my phone and, basically, it died, so I missed my normal alarms. I woke up twenty minutes before my shift and had to rile myself awake and get Tony to take me up to campus. I made it there on time though, so it wasn't so bad.

I've been working almost completely by myself in textbooks thus far. Usually I'm doing buybacks, but we've had 4-5 people on the registers, so I've been working on pushing books to the floor and helping out with that. It's been nice, though. I'm constantly moving and it helps the day go by faster. Plus, I don't have to listen to students whine and complain about not getting any money back for their textbooks. Yeah, bro, I know it sucks. We all know it sucks. Bitching to me isn't going to change it. Bitching to our managers isn't going to change it. Take your $20 and GTFO already.



I'm been having some frustration in regards to people dismissing things about me. It's a quiet, simmering sort of frustration, because it's things like 'you're just making excuses' and 'all I'm hearing is you using that as a crutch' and similar things. Not verbatim, but pretty close.

What it boils down to is two things:

I've been insecure in regards to my friends lately. I know that's just me being stupid and dumb and it comes and goes anyhow - like it does for everyone. I know my thoughts there are just ridiculous, but that doesn't mean they're not real and the insecurity I end up getting from them is real, as well. It makes me upset when people completely dismiss my feelings about things because I just need to 'balls up' or 'it's my own fault' for not being more social or something.

The other is that I'm damn near positive I'm mildly dyslexic. It's not a constant issue, not by a long shot, but it's also not something I'm 'making up' or using as a 'crutch'. I very literally have trouble with numbers and reading things properly sometimes. Often, I'll read a sentence or a paragraph and I'll be absolutely sure it said one thing, but when I read it later (or when someone points it out to me), it will say something different. It's not be ignoring something I'm reading and it's not me pretending something's not there. Sometimes that sentence was exactly how I read it. I have more trouble with numbers though, which can sometimes be frustrating at work when I have to shelf read call numbers, shelve books by call numbers, of shelve books by course subjects and numbers. It almost never fails that I end up putting some books back in numbers that are similar to each other in my mind (4's and 5's are bad, so are 2's and 3's, for some reason).

I was told yesterday that I'm 'making excuses' for 'not reading things properly' and that it sounds like I'm trying to use my undiagnosed dyslexia as a 'crutch'. Which is completely not the case. The only time I ever bring it up is jokingly when I've put a book back in the wrong spot (lol numbers) or when I'm having a hard time with it. I'm not always having a hard time with it, but this week in particular has been bad and I've had to really take my time reading numbers and letters for both of my jobs so that I don't put things in the wrong places.

So I was kind of upset about the things that were said to me because I'm totally not trying to use this as a crutch and it's not as if I'm waving it around going I CAN'T DO ANYTHING, CODDLE ME, I MIGHT HAVE A DISEASE or some bullshit like that. It's simply something I think I may possibly have and, regardless of that, it's something that gives me issues - dyslexic or not - and I think it's rude to tell me that I'm making excuses.

I'm trying more to kind of focus my feelings on things that upset me because, more often than not I go into a keysmash rage about things and that doesn't help me really work through the things that legitimately upset me. It's fine for small annoyances, but not for most other things. It's strange and frustrating, because I'm not good at translating my emotions to words, but it's a challenge, as well. I've never been good with talking about how I feel. I usually bottled it all up, cried in the tub, then pretended I was chipper and happy and sunshine and rainbows. I, basically, thought that I couldn't be the one who faltered. I had to be there for everyone else. I know that's too much for me to handle and it's always been to much for me to handle. I never took care of myself because I was taking care of everyone else, essentially.



After today I work two more days. Noon tomorrow, probably until around seven or so. I went home early from the library on Monday because I was tired and needed to get up early for today. But I work from noon to two at VCD tomorrow - I switched shifts with a girl - and then I'm just going to go in early to the library and work my hours that way, so I make up for Monday's lost hour or two. I suppose, since my work study it pretty much up, it's not too big of a deal either way. Then I work at nine in the morning on Friday (all the better reason to get home early Thursday!) until eight in the evening - both bookstore and library. Then I'm off Saturday and I don't know about Sunday. Bookstore schedule will be up tomorrow probably. Hopefully I won't work mornings. I don't mind working evenings, but we're only open until five in the afternoon next week.
obliviousally: (enochian)
Internet is off at the house, it was a bill I couldn't afford to put money on, unfortunately. No open wifi nearby, either! Which is always still a shock to me, considering it's a college town. There's usually SOME kind of open wireless nearby. Wouldn't suck as much if it didn't get cut off RIGHT BEFORE THE HOLIDAY when I have, like, four days off in a row and all. I'll still have to trek up to campus to do my classwork, or maybe down to Tree City or the library on Friday, I guess.

I'm kind of pissed because I got an email from my computer instructor that I only did half my assignment last week, because I guess I misread what needed to be done, and now my perfect 100% in the class is knocked down because I got a 50/100 on last week's assignment, which is basically an F. I don't know if I should do a song and dance and see if he'll let me turn in the rest of the assignment or what. I'm so mad about my 100% being fucked that I don't even want to bother with it, but if I do ask, there's at least a slim chance I could have that grade back again.

Another thing i'm slightly worried about is that we have group projects going on in writing right now and I hope we don't have any chatroom meetings about it. 

I don't know, I'm ready for the semester to be over. Not because my classes have been difficult, not at all. But the sooner the semester is over, the sooner our financial aid refunds come and the sooner I can pay up all my bills at once. It's almost more frustrating to be having a paycheck, but still not have enough to pay everything that needs to be payed. Hopefully, though, Tony can get in somewhere on campus with his work study in the spring and then we'll BOTH have paychecks coming in AND almost all of our bills paid up ahead of time. Here's hoping, at least.

I'm at the laundromat right now, because I was down to the bottom of my undies drawer and all that's there is ill-fitting underwear and thongs. Neither of which I'm a fan of, especially when I'm on my period. But I like doing laundry, actually. I like doing laundry more with someone else (see: Angie), but it's not so bad. I get to people watch, I get to dick around on the internet a bit, and I get clean, warm clothes to take home.

I've been trying to get some commissions. Nothing bit, just art cards and shit. I've mostly just been wanting to doodle, but I don't feel like doing requests or trades right now. It seems like, no matter where I post commission offers, no one's interested. But my output hasn't been great lately and I do still have one outstanding commission. The pattern work on the dress of the character is stumping me, I don't know if I should break down and try to make a brush/pattern, or if I should try to draw it by hand. I just don't want to fuck it up, really. I feel like a butts, but I don't want to do a half-assed job, is all.

I'm way behind on NaNo, around 10k words. I guess I could use this time to work on it, but I dunno. It seems like when I don't have the interbutts, all my motivation is gone. All I want to do is lay around and complain. It's pretty stupid. I'll get around to kicking myself in the ass, though, I always do. Chances are, I'll probably also end up cleaning the house or something, as well, which isn't a bad thing because I have to cook for Thanksgiving and the kitchen is a NIGHTMARE.

WHICH REMINDS ME I NEED A PAN FOR THE TURKEY.

I'm a little grumpy at friends, but it's likely because I'm on the rag and moody and stupid. At least, that's what I'm going to tell myself because I hate being mad at people I like and I hate making assumptions and I hate thinking negatively of people. But at the same time, I wonder if maybe I am in the right thinking the way I do sometimes and I'm just pushing that all aside because I want everyone to be one big, stupid, happy family. I know it's not going to happen, but it's what I want.

I guess I could spend all this newfound free time watching all the old movies I've downloaded. Lots of fantasy stuff I've been wanting to re-watch.

I'm just full of the grumps today over stupid little things and I yelled at Tony this afternoon because I was in the midst of yelling about other things and I still feel bad about it.
obliviousally: [ quote by me | icon by pat-san ] (not even the same)
Holy crap, tonight was way uncomfortable at game night.

See, a few friends and I get together for a small gaming group most Saturdays on campus. It's just a couple people, usually not more than four or five. We play board games and card games and generally bitch and bullshit with each other. We week or two ago, Jevin, who started the meetup, asked if we'd mind him posting on the Kent Area Furs list to see if anyone might be interested. We know a guy on the KAF list who is pretty cool, so we figured 'why not'?

So, this week, a kid from the KAF list shows up. Okay, no big deal.

He's wearing a tail and a baseball cap with ears glued on it. Okay, no big deal.

He's LOUD. Unnecessarily loud. But...okay, that can be dealt with. No big deal.

Jevin and I were watching some rap battles thing on youtube when he comes in and it had Freddie Mercury and he goes DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAY [insert Queen song here] BACKWARDS?? and he queues it up on his phone and it's not even interesting. Jevin and I nod, realizing that this is only going to go downhill fast.

So it's Jevin, myself, and the new kid. I suggest heading out to the lobby (we were in the room Jevin does his classwork at in MSB), which we all agree on, since there's more room. I go to get a snack from the machine and he follows me (apparently, not knowing where the lobby is), okay, no big deal. If he wants to mill about, whatever.

He stands next to me, LEANS OVER, AND RUBS HIS HEAD ON MY SHOULDER LIKE HE'S PRETENDING TO BE A CAT.

I firmly go 'NO', like I'm scolding a dog and he stops.

We go out to the lobby and play Fluxx. I desperately message Tony, who wasn't online, to inform him of what we're suffering through (excuse my fucked up spelling, I was hastily typing away on my phone):

HR RUBBED ON ME LIKE A CAT
HE HAS NO CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SPAC
HE REACHED RIGHT OVER AND GRABBEDY BIRD SKULL
I MIGHT COMMIT A HOMICIDE TONIGHT
HE JUST SAID THAT BECAUSE MY CHARCTER IS HALF FOX HALF OPOSSUM IT MUST BE A HIT WITH THE NECROPHILE
Because possums play dead and foxes are slutty
This is like real life taps
This is every stereotype
I'm speechles
I don't even experience this level of fur faggotry at Anthrocon
He just keeps rambling things off like they'll make him sound interesting
Ryan showed up and the kid yowled at him in greeting
I had the war creeper and he busted out singing war, what is it good for
I cannot make this shit up


UGH I ACCIDENTALLY CLOSE OUT THE TAB AND LOST A TON OF WHAT I'D TYPED.

So I'm just going to run down the key points:

  • talked about sex and fetishes almost non-stop

  • talked about how 'only the good bands get incestuous fanfics written about them'

  • talked about incest, bandom incest, Supernatural incest

  • talked about ~yiffy~ fanfic he read with Red XIII in it

  • talked about seeing a 'hot anthro pic' and literally murring about it

  • talked about how 'WEREWOLF SEX IS HOT'

  • 'I WISH I HAD A NYMPHOMANIAC GIRLFRIEND'

  • literally YOWLED at Ryan when he showed up

  • rolled around on the couch purring and yowling like a cat in heat

  • talked about his radioactive japanese catgirl from Hiroshima

  • talked about wanting to play 'Strip Fluxx' (hint: I was the only female present)

  • talked about how female hyenas have penises

  • literally grabbed my crow necklace and asked IS THAT A BIRD FOSSIL

  • when i told him what my ~fursona~ was, he replied with: 'YOU MUST BE A HIT WITH THE NYMPHOMANIACS'

  • 'BECAUSE ALL FOXES ARE SLUTTY, AMIRITE??'

  • SKYPED WITH HIS PARENTS AND INTRODUCED US ALL AS HIS FRIENDS. ON SKYPE. ON. SKYPE.

  • loudly sung the chorus to 'War, What is it Good For' when the 'war' card for Fluxx ended up on the table

I know this isn't even everything, but jesus christ it was awkward and weird and uncomfortable. I'm not usually made uncomfortable by things or people like this, neither are most of the folks present. But this was just UGH and GROSS. No one wants to hear about your fetishes or your sex fanfics or anything like that YOU JUST MET US WHY WOULD YOU THINK THESE ARE OKAY CONVERSATION SUBJECTS. It was just a constant stream of creepy furfag commentary and internet ramblings. There were no real introductions, aside from names, no 'hey, what are you majoring in?' or 'are you a student, or just a local?' kind of small talk. Just straight into 'that's what she said jokes' and talking about murry purry furfag shit.

When I came home, I promptly removed him from the group. I don't even feel a little bit bad about it. Neither does anyone else.
obliviousally: (spirit writing)
I really hate the time leading up to my period. It is, quite possibly, the worst. I can deal with the bleeding and the cramps and feeling gross, no problem. But I absolutely loathe having to deal with the mood swings and being all off-kilter with my personality and my emotions. It's very distressing, even if I'm aware my period is coming and even if I'm aware of the changes. I don't feel in control of myself or my emotions and I don't like that one bit. It's the reason I don't get drunk (one time was more than enough - drunk people are embarrassing to begin with and I was no exception) and the reason I don't like being around people who are like that - not in control of themselves. It makes me uncomfortable and I'm sure people are uncomfortable around me when I'm not acting myself.

On top of that, my brain spends all its time focusing on the negative about everything. About my friends, my family, myself. Regardless of if these negatives exist (and some do, everyone has negatives), it makes me feel like shit (therefore compounding the issue of feeling like crap in the first place) for thinking them at all.

Basically, all I want to do when I'm having a bad period is just curl up in a ball and sleep until its over.  

Instead, I've been trying to focus my energy on other things. I watched a few more episodes of Doctor Who last night, before our Netflix subscription went up (curse payday being only a few days after the subscription date!). I'm still on Nine and I only just finished Dalek. I have to admit, on first impressions (of actually seeing a Dalek in context of the show - not just in context of merchandise or fandom), the Daleks really....aren't that scary. I'm thinking the Daleks, for me, are a bit like how the Aliens movies were for me scary and/or important to a certain generation of people (those who grew up watching them), but not so much to me (or, probably, to a lot of kids watching the series now who grew up on the horror and sci-fi movies of the 90s and 00s). 

Regardless, I'm sad Nine only has one short series, because I do really like Christopher Eccleston. I'm still not sure where I stand with Rose, however. Fandom seems to be really split on whether they like her or not and, obviously, I'm not making rash judgements on how fandom feels about anything (because who does that--oh, right, fandom itself). So far, however, I don't mind her. She's spunky.

P.S. Bless you, Dreamwidth, for having a tag manager where I can actually REMOVE TAGS.
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